Hi Reader
For those of us with insecure attachment patterns, boundaries can feel really fraught. And not just setting them — but being on the receiving end of them, too.
When you’ve spent much of your life trying to keep people close, anything that feels like a rupture can trigger a deep sense of danger.
A partner saying “I don’t want to talk about this right now” might not land as a calm, respectful limit — it may register as rejection. A simple “no” can register as abandonment. And that pain can push us into one of two places: we either shut down, or we escalate — moving from quiet requests to protest behaviours, ultimatums, or emotional pleas.
Of course, it’s not that we want to control others. More often than not, we’re trying to regain some sense of control over the situation so we can feel safe again.
But here’s the thing: when boundaries come from a place of panic or desperation, they often land as threats. And when we haven’t built the internal sturdiness to back them up, they tend to fall flat.
We escalate, often in a frantic attempt to convey how big it feels. How hurt we are. How desperate we are to be seen.
Because deep down, we’re hoping that if we can just get the other person to understand — to change — then we won’t have to do the hard thing. We won’t have to follow through. We won’t have to leave, or disconnect, or enforce the limit we’ve set.
As anxiously attached people, that's the part we most want to avoid. Not because we don’t mean what we say — but because reaching the point of actually having to follow through can feel like admitting defeat. Like giving up on the connection we have worked so tirelessly to salvage.
And just to say — in healthy, secure relationships, these conversations often don’t feel so dramatic or high-stakes. They’re not usually framed as deal breakers or last-ditch efforts to be heard. More often, they sound like: “Hey, that didn’t feel great — could we try something different next time?”
But when we avoid voicing our needs early on — when we suppress, people-please, or tell ourselves “it’s not a big deal” — small things tend to compound. Resentment builds, ruptures go unrepaired, and eventually something that could’ve been a simple request becomes a moment of crisis.
That’s why learning to advocate for yourself in real-time — from a place of calm and self-worth — is so powerful. It keeps things clear, connected, and repairable. And it prevents you from ending up at the very edge of your window of tolerance, grasping for control as a last resort.
Ultimately, this work isn’t just about saying the right thing. It’s not about perfecting your communication script. Because if we’re trying to solve for the communication piece in isolation — without also doing the deeper work of building self-worth — it often backfires.
Even when the words sound right, the energy underneath can still come from fear, lack, and desperation. And from that place, "boundaries" easily become control strategies in disguise — subtle (or not so subtle!) attempts to get someone else to change, so that we can feel safe.
That’s why I believe boundary work has to be layered on top of self-worth work. When we know we are worthy of care and respect, when we trust ourselves to hold our limits and meet our own needs, we’re no longer outsourcing our safety to others. And from that place, we can set and receive boundaries with clarity, calm, and care.
That’s what makes space for truly secure, sustainable, loving relationships.
If this resonates, I dive deeper in this week’s episode of On Attachment, which you can watch below.
Sending so much love
Steph
P.S. Final call to join the Secure Self Challenge before we kick off next Monday. If you're ready to build self-worth, self-trust, and stronger boundaries from the inside out, I’d love to have you. Join the challenge →
