Hi Reader

How are you? I hope all is well in your world. For today's newsletter, I wanted to share some thoughts on the question of:

Can we truly heal our attachment patterns whilst we're in a relationship that keeps triggering us?

You know the kind I'm talking about. Where you're trying so hard to grow, to become more secure — but sometimes it feels like you're taking one step forward, two steps back. Maybe things feel great for a week or two... and then you have that same fight that you've had a million times, and you can't help but wonder whether all your efforts are in vain.

The answer, as always, isn't clean or simple. But the distinction between a relationship that challenges us in productive ways and one that keeps us swirling around in our unhealthy patterns is crucial.

Let's talk about it.

So, let me start by acknowledging: we should expect our romantic relationships to trigger us. Not constantly, not overwhelmingly, but certainly regularly!

Our romantic relationships are the arena where our deepest questions get asked: Am I enough? Am I truly loveable? Will you stay when you see all of me? These are the vulnerable inquiries that live at the heart of attachment relationships — the same questions we were asking when we were small and dependent on our caregivers.

So yes, triggers will arise. And sometimes, they're actually gifts.

A trigger can be a mirror, reflecting back the unresolved pain we're still carrying. And in a relationship that holds enough safety, these triggers become invitations — opportunities to heal old wounds in the presence of someone who can witness that healing.

But here's the critical part: this healing work requires certain conditions. Without them, it's likely we're not healing at all. We're just collecting more evidence in favour of the painful stories we've been lugging around for a lifetime.

The question we need to ask ourselves is this: Am I dealing with my own legacy burdens here — old patterns playing out in response to fairly normal relationship friction? Or am I actually responding, quite appropriately, to genuinely unhealthy dynamics that are happening right now?

Say you're working on trust issues. If your partner is generally available, reliable and open, but you still spiral with anxious thoughts when they go out with friends? That's likely your work to do. And in a relationship with enough safety, you can absolutely work through that together.

But if you're trying to work on trust whilst your partner is regularly deceitful, deflects when you try to talk about it, and tells you you're "crazy" for having concerns? That's a very different set of circumstances, and your nervous system won't magically let go of its protective strategies — and honestly, why should it? Those patterns make perfect sense in that context.

Simply put: we can't heal in the very conditions that gave rise to the need for those self-protective patterns in the first place.

So, what are some signs that a relationship might be too triggering for healing to take place?

• When there's all rupture and no repair.
• When someone consistently refuses to engage.
• When you're constantly dysregulated with no ability to regulate yourself.
• When commitment is conditional and the threat of leaving lurks in every conflict.
• When new wounds accumulate faster than old ones can heal.

On the contrary, some positive signs might be:

• Being able to have hard conversations and repair when things go awry.
• Genuine commitment, care, and respect from both people.
• Some capacity to self-regulate through difficult moments.
• Willingness on both sides to look at your own patterns.
• Being able to see progress happening over time, however slowly.

I know how hard all this is, and I wish I could give you a formula. But of course, relationships are too complex for that.

If you're in the thick of this right now, I want you to know this is genuinely difficult terrain. You're not overthinking it. Please be gentle with yourself as you figure this out.

If this resonates, I dive deeper into the topic in last week's podcast episode: #210 — Can You Heal in a Relationship That Constantly Triggers You?​

As always, I’d love to hear how this landed for you. Feel free to hit reply — I read every message, even if I can’t always respond individually.

Sending love,
Steph

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