Hi Reader
Greetings from sunny, beautiful Lisbon!
It’s been a couple of weeks since my last newsletter — we’ve been in full-blown travel mode (which is a very different experience with a toddler in tow!). I also hosted an event in London last weekend, which was such a rare and special opportunity to connect in person with some of the folks in this community.
Today, I want to talk about why you might keep repeating the same relationship patterns — especially if you feel stuck in a loop that looks very different to what you say you want.
This is so common, and it makes perfect sense. We tell ourselves we want a healthy, secure, committed relationship… only to find ourselves pursuing people who feel inconsistent, uncertain, or leave us questioning where we stand.
When this happens, it’s tempting to blame or shame ourselves, assuming there's something wrong with us. But that response only keeps us stuck — because it shuts down the genuine curiosity we need in order to understand what’s really going on.
The truth is, all of our patterns are serving a purpose. They’re meeting some need — otherwise we wouldn’t keep defaulting to them. And at some point in our lives, those patterns were likely both necessary and protective.
For those of us with anxious attachment, for example, we may have learned that love is unreliable and that we need to work hard to prevent disconnection and keep people close. So we try to control the conditions of our relationships, scanning for signs of distance and doing whatever we can to avoid it. While certainly protective in its intent, this also leaves us vigilant, stressed, and struggling to trust someone’s love. It also means we may not even recognise unavailability or inconsistency as a problem — because working hard for love is all we’ve ever known.
But here’s the hopeful part: we’re not destined to repeat these cycles forever. Healing is possible for all of us — with curiosity, compassion, and courage.
It also requires honesty. As tempting as it is to point the finger elsewhere, we need to acknowledge that we are the common denominator in our patterns. Change begins with us. Unless we peel back the layers and ask what our patterns are trying to do for us — what needs they’re attempting to meet — we’ll struggle to choose a more aligned path forward.
If this resonates, I dive deeper into the topic in a recent podcast episode: #204: Why You Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns.
As always, I’d love to hear how this landed for you. Feel free to hit reply — I read every message, even if I can’t always respond individually.
Sending love,
Steph
PS. Speaking of the podcast — this episode went wild last week with over 300,000 downloads! Here’s me sitting at #2 on the Spotify Australia podcast charts
PPS. If you're ready to shift these patterns but don't know where to begin, my free training How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Finally Feel Secure in Life & Love is a great starting point. Register for free here.
