Hi Reader

How are you? I’m sitting in a quiet hotel library in Lake Garda catching up on some work, and felt called to share something I was just voice-noting to a student in my Healing Anxious Attachment course.

She’d been sharing her confusion about what to do with her ex. They’ve been in contact, and she keeps getting her hopes up about a possible reconciliation — only to feel disappointed and heartbroken (again) when they pull away, get defensive, and fail to take responsibility for their part.

She said that even though she knows it’s probably not healthy, she can’t bring herself to close the door. That something still feels better than nothing.

This is such a common experience for folks with anxious attachment — one I've supported easily hundreds of clients and students through. Maybe it's something you can relate to, too.

Here’s a summary of what I shared with her:

Of course it’s hard. Letting go of someone you love and care about is one of the hardest things a person with anxious attachment can do. And when they’re the one leaving the door open, it can feel impossible that you would be the one to close it.

Even when you know the relationship wasn’t working.​
Even when you know they don’t have the capacity for the kind of partnership you want.​
Even when you know the break-up was for the best.

The truth is, sooner or later, your growth will ask you to choose between what feels natural and what you know, deep down, is right.

I often find that anxiously attached people give too much weight to their feelings, using them as an explanation for why they can’t take action. “I can’t let go, I still love them” is a perfect example. Because while that might feel true, it isn’t actually true — and continuing to tell yourself that story can keep you stuck in painful, disempowered loops.

Instead, try saying: “It feels excruciating to think about letting go, but I know it’s what I have to do to take care of myself.” And then you determine what action is needed, and you start putting one foot in front of the other — walking toward what you know is right, one step at a time.

Really, that's the heart of this work: learning to deeply validate your feelings without being ruled by them. Recognising that when your fears and insecurities are driving the bus, they’ll almost always take you somewhere familiar — and usually not where you want to go.

This lesson extends far beyond letting go of someone. It shows up any time we tell ourselves, “I can’t — it’s too hard/uncomfortable.”

It’s easy to believe that because something feels uncomfortable, we can’t survive it. But this is where your healing lives: in shifting that story, and slowly building the capacity to do the hard thing even when it feels so foreign.

And that's how self-trust is built — not by waiting for it to feel easy, but by showing yourself that you can survive the discomfort.

As I wrote on Instagram a while back: The point of healing is not to remove discomfort from your life. The point of healing is learning to trust that you can handle discomfort, so you stop living in fear of it.

Because the moment you stop fearing discomfort, you stop being controlled by it. And that’s where real freedom begins.

As always, I’d love to hear how this landed for you. Feel free to hit reply — I read every message, even if I can’t always respond individually. (Last week I received dozens of responses and loved reading them all, so a big thank you if one was yours!)

Sending love,
Steph

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