Hi Reader
Something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately is the gifts of anxious attachment.
I know that might sound strange at first. We tend to spend so much time focused on what’s hard about being anxiously attached — the overthinking, the insecurity, the second-guessing, the way we can lose ourselves in longing or feel so vulnerable in relationships.
But what if some of those very traits — the ones you might have spent years trying to fix or hide — were actually reflections of your deepest strengths?
Because when I think about the thousands of anxious attachers I’ve worked with over the years, what always shines through is the depth of feeling. The sincerity. The open-heartedness. The desire for real connection.
There is so much love in you, my friend.
You care deeply. You’re emotionally attuned. You notice things. You want the kind of intimacy that’s meaningful and nourishing, not surface-level or performative.
You’re also incredibly growth-oriented. You don’t settle for “this is just how I am.” You reflect, you try, you care enough to keep showing up — even when it’s hard. (Especially when it’s hard!)
And when you love, you really love. You’re all in. You’re loyal, dedicated, and willing to stay through the mess and discomfort, not just the easy bits. That’s rare and beautiful in today’s "swipe-right" dating culture.
Of course, as Dr. Alexandra Solomon says so wisely, “our gifts and our wounds are next-door neighbours.” And it’s true — these same traits can sometimes become sources of struggle.
That deep care can morph into people-pleasing and over-functioning.
That attunement can turn into anxiety and hypervigilance.
That commitment can keep you stuck in relationships that aren’t safe or fulfilling.
But the work isn’t about becoming less sensitive, less caring, or less committed.
It’s about cultivating enough internal safety that you can bring those gifts into the world from a grounded place — not from fear or urgency, but from wholeness.
It’s about learning to love without abandoning yourself.
To care without making yourself responsible for everyone.
To feel deeply, while staying rooted in your own worth.
You are not a problem to solve. You are a profoundly caring, deeply feeling human being — and the world needs more of that.
And so I wonder: what might open up for you if you could embrace that? If you could start seeing your sensitivity as strength? Your longing for connection as wisdom, not weakness?
If this resonates, I invite you to tune into the latest episode of On Attachment, where I explore this in more depth:
As always, I'd love to hear from you if this resonates. Feel free to hit reply and let me know — I read every response.
Sending love,
Steph
P.S. I’m also incredibly excited to announce that tickets are now available for my live event in London on 13 September!
I’ll be sharing a powerful talk on how our attachment patterns shape our lives and how we can reclaim a deeper sense of self-worth and security — in love, and beyond. There’ll be space for connection, reflection, and Q&A in an intimate setting. If you’re based in the UK (or feel like a spontaneous September getaway), I’d love to see you there. Get your tickets here.
