Hi Reader
How are you? I hope all is well in your world.
Today I want to share some thoughts on a common relationship pattern called the saviour complex.
As a child, my absolute favourite Disney movie was Beauty & the Beast. I had little interest in the other Disney princess films – the ones where the damsels in distress were being saved by Prince Charming.
Nope, the one I loved most was the one where she saved him. Where she – who was “not like all the other girls” – was special enough to see through his harsh exterior and, through the power of her love, care and devotion, transform his darkness into light.
Unbeknownst to me, this was an early expression of a pattern that most anxiously attached people know all too well: the saviour complex.
The saviour complex is a tendency to gravitate towards people who we feel need fixing, saving, or helping in some way. This could range from people who are directionless and in need of purpose or stability, all the way to people with significant trauma, addiction, or other heavy burdens.
While there’s nothing inherently bad or wrong about being helpful and attuned to others’ struggles, there is an undeniable shadow side to the saviour complex.
What appears on the surface to be selfless, caring behaviour is often driven (consciously or unconsciously) by a deep sense of unworthiness and a need for validation and importance.
We make it our mission to be “the one” to inspire this person to change. But in making this our covert, self-appointed role, we’re taking responsibility for something that is ultimately outside of our control – and setting ourselves up for a lot of pain if we don’t “succeed”.
Because if they don’t evolve into the person we so wanted to nurture them into becoming… we tell ourselves it’s because *we* weren’t good enough. If only we’d done more, been more, been different somehow – *then* they would’ve changed for us.
Needless to say, this is yet another relationship pattern that both stems from and reinforces our unworthiness wounds.
As always, curiosity is the first step. If it's something you notice in yourself, here are some questions to sit with:
- When did I first learn that love means taking care of someone else? What early experiences shaped this belief?
- In what ways do I feel responsible for my partner’s (or others’) emotions, choices, or well-being? Where does this sense of responsibility come from?
- To what extent do I equate feeling needed with feeling loved? How does this belief shape my relationships?
- How can I support and care for others without overfunctioning or sacrificing my own needs?
I'd love to hear from you if this resonates. I read every response, even if I can't reply to each person individually.
Sending love
Steph
PS. Something big is coming... 🎉 My signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment, turns 3 in a couple of weeks! To celebrate, I’m doing something I’ve never done before. If you’ve ever thought about joining, you're going to want to get on the VIP list. Click here to be the first to know!
