Hi Reader

Let’s be honest: most of us want to feel like we’re a good partner. We care. We try. We read the books, listen to the podcasts, work on our communication, go to therapy.

And yet, so much of that work can be focused on the other person — on what they’re doing or not doing, how they’re responding to us, how we can get our needs met more effectively.

But there’s often less focus on a quieter question:
​How am I showing up in this relationship?

Not from a place of self-blame. Not to abandon our own needs. But from a genuinely thoughtful and reflective place. A desire to co-create something safe, nourishing, and respectful — for both people.

In this week’s podcast episode, I shared six ways we can all be better partners. Not perfect ones. Just more present, thoughtful, and secure. I wanted to share them with you here, because whether you're in a relationship or not, these are powerful foundations to build from.

1. Learn to sit with discomfort: Discomfort is part of any intimate relationship. Our instinct is often to fix it (anxious response) or avoid it (avoidant response). But being a better partner means building the capacity to stay — to tolerate the tension, breathe through it, and respond with intention rather than urgency or withdrawal.
2. Listen to understand, not to defend: Most of us are trained to listen with an agenda — to counter-argue, explain, justify, and persuade. Especially when emotions are high, it’s easy to become more focused on being right than being attuned. What would it be like to just listen? To assume that your partner’s experience is real and valid, even (or especially) if it’s different to yours? That shift alone can transform a conversation from defensive to deeply healing.
3. Stop making everything about you: When we’re hurting, it’s so easy to centre ourselves. We interpret everything through the lens of our own pain or fear. But the person on the other side of your relationship has a whole internal world too — full of wounds, fears, longings, and stories. The more we can stretch to consider their experience (not just how we feel about it), the more compassion and clarity we bring into the relationship.
4. Prioritise meaningful repair: Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict, but they do learn how to come back together after it. That means taking responsibility for your part, even when it feels unfair. Leading with vulnerability, even when your pride says we shouldn't have to. And most importantly: not rushing to restore connection at the expense of meaningful repair.
5. Be honest about your patterns: Reaching for blame — whether blaming them or ourselves — is often the easy route. But both of those are shortcuts that bypass the real work: looking honestly, compassionately, and courageously at your own patterns. What are the dynamics you tend to recreate? Where do you get stuck? What gets activated in you — and how do you usually respond? This kind of self-inquiry isn’t easy, but it’s ultimately how we facilitate lasting change.
6. Love them the way they want to be loved: So often we give love in the way we want to receive it. And when it doesn’t land, we feel unappreciated, unseen, discouraged. So, get curious. Ask your partner what makes them feel most loved. Pay attention to what lights them up, what softens them, what feels nourishing to them. It might be different to what you expected, and if so, great!

Whether you're in a relationship right now or preparing for one, these are the kinds of shifts that change the quality of your love. The energy you bring. The safety you offer. The way you co-create something beautiful and lasting.

As always, feel free to hit reply and let me know how this landed for you. I read every response.

Sending love,

Steph