Hi Reader

One of the biggest struggles for people with anxious attachment is what to do when their partner isn’t meeting their needs.

Let's face it: it’s painful and frustrating when you don’t feel emotionally met in your relationship. Whether it’s intimacy, quality time, affection, or communication, feeling unheard or unfulfilled can lead to loneliness, resentment, and self-doubt—especially when you’ve voiced your needs and nothing changes.

When this happens, the default response tends to fall into one of two camps:

1️⃣ You assume your needs are too much. You convince yourself you’re “just being anxious,” needy, or unreasonable. You tell yourself to settle, to stop wanting so much, to be more “chill.”

2️⃣ You believe that if your needs are valid, then your partner has to meet them. And if they don’t, you feel rejected, uncared for, resentful, and/or helpless — because it feels like the only way to feel safe in the relationship is for them to show up exactly how you need them to.

This kind of all-or-nothing thinking is so common in insecure attachment. We get stuck trying to figure out who’s in the wrong (Is it me? Is it them?) so that we can in turn figure out who needs to change.

But as with most things, the truth is usually somewhere in the messy middle:

Your needs can be entirely valid and important, AND that doesn’t mean your partner is obligated to meet them.

Not because your needs are too much. Not because you’re asking for something unreasonable. But because relationships involve two people with different capacities, priorities, and limitations. And sometimes, someone may be unable or unwilling to meet your needs.

That doesn’t make you wrong for having the need. And it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong for not meeting it.

This is where self-awareness and discernment come in. Some helpful questions to reflect on:

• Can I get this need met elsewhere?
• Can I be flexible about how this need is met, even if the need itself is non-negotiable?
• Is this a dealbreaker for me?
• Could I be happy here if this need continued to go unmet by my partner?

These questions can help you find clarity, without falling into the extremes of self-abandonment or issuing demands.

For more on this conversation, be sure to tune into my latest podcast episode, #178: When Your Partner Isn't Meeting Your Needs — you can watch & listen here.

As always, feel free to hit reply and let me know if this landed for you. I read every response, even if I can't get back to each person individually.

Sending love

Steph

PS. On 16 March, it'll be three years since I first launched Healing Anxious Attachment! To celebrate, I’m offering the course at its original price of US$222 (along with bonuses valued at over $1000) — but only for those on the waitlist and only for 24 hours. This is the lowest price I’ve offered in three years, and it won’t be repeated. Click here to be added to the list and get access when the sale goes live.

PPS. Last week, the podcast hit 6 million downloads (!!) — which is an incredible milestone for a show I record, edit, and distribute solo from my home office each week. A HUGE thank you to everyone who has tuned in — I couldn’t do this without your support, and I’m so grateful.