Hi Reader

In this week's newsletter, I want to talk about something that’s become increasingly common in online conversations about attachment — especially in spaces catering towards anxiously attached people (which, let’s be honest, is most of the attachment space).

And that something is the demonisation of avoidant attachment.

Now, I know that even mentioning this will be activating for some. I understand that. If you've been hurt, rejected, ghosted, or broken up with by someone who leans avoidant, your body remembers that pain. Maybe you're even in the thick of it right now. If so, it makes sense that you would feel confused, angry, or deeply wounded by that experience.

But here's the problem: when we take that hurt and turn it into sweeping generalisations— "Avoidant people are selfish." "They’re emotionally unavailable, incapable of love, toxic." — we might feel momentarily validated, but we’re also cutting ourselves off from our own healing.

It’s tempting to seek a clear villain in the story of our pain. And for anxiously attached folks who often try so hard in relationships, who caretake and overfunction and bend themselves into knots to make things work, the idea that we might be the problem can feel unbearable.

So we flip it. We say: “It must be them.” (And there's *so much* polarising online content that will gladly feed into this story).

And while that pendulum swing is understandable — sometimes even necessary as a phase — it’s not a place we want to set up camp. Because ultimately, blame won’t make us feel better in the long run any more than junk food will.

And it certainly won’t help us grow.

Now, if your instinct in reading this is to interject with “So you’re saying that just because they’re scared I have to put up with XYZ???” — let me be abundantly clear: you absolutely can (and indeed, must) be clear in knowing the limits of what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship. And you may well decide that someone else’s limitations, fears, history, or capacity makes them a bad match for you.

That’s not only valid — it’s wise and, I would say, essential.

But there’s a difference between recognising that someone’s patterns don’t work for you, and declaring that they’re a fundamentally bad or broken person. That second step isn’t necessary — and often, it’s a defence mechanism we use to justify our own pain, to make sense of why something hurt so much.

Avoidant attachment, like all insecure attachment styles, is a protective strategy. For most people who lean avoidant, that strategy was formed in childhood in response to caregivers who dismissed or shamed emotional needs, or otherwise lacked the capacity to attune to a child's inner world. In that environment, shutting down the need for emotional connection and getting really comfortable with self-sufficiency was a survival strategy.

And yes, those early strategies can absolutely create challenges in adult relationships. But when we reduce avoidant people to caricatures of coldness or callousness, we lose the humanity in the picture. We miss the grief, the fear, and the vulnerability underneath.

Now, in case I haven't made this abundantly clear: this isn’t about excusing harmful behaviour. It’s about understanding where it comes from — and more importantly, why it’s in your best interest to look beyond the labels.

Because here’s the truth: you will not grow into a more secure, grounded version of yourself from a place of bitterness, blame, and righteous indignation.

Healing requires compassion, honesty, self-reflection, and nuance. It means letting go of black-and-white thinking. It means saying, “This dynamic is hurting me, and I am choosing to step away,” rather than “That person is a lost cause who deserves to be alone forever.”

You’re allowed to want different. You’re allowed to walk away. You’re allowed to have high standards. But you don’t have to turn someone into a villain in order to do that.

If you’re on this journey of healing your anxious attachment, my invitation to you this week is to notice where blame might still be holding you hostage. Where it might be masking grief, or shielding you from vulnerability. And to ask yourself gently, what might become possible if I laid that burden down?

As always, I'd love to hear from you if this resonates. Feel free to hit reply and let me know your thoughts.

Sending love
Steph

PS. We've had over 170 new people join Healing Anxious Attachment since I last emailed you about its 3rd birthday sale! It's been wonderful to welcome so many new faces in, and to see everyone connecting with one another in our community space. While the VIP sale has ended, I'm still offering 30% off the course until the end of the month. Make sure you use this link to get the discount if you're ready to join us!