Hi Reader
For this week's newsletter, I’m talking about something a little different: our relationship to rest, pleasure, and feeling good.
This is one of those themes that can seem peripheral at first glance — maybe even indulgent or beside the point when we’re focused on “doing the work.” But in actual fact, it’s essential.
Because if we don’t feel safe to rest… if we don’t believe we deserve to feel good… then it’s very hard to build a life that feels nourishing, secure, and whole.
For some of us, our difficulty in resting or receiving pleasure maps neatly to our anxious attachment patterns — things like unworthiness, preoccupation with caretaking others, or even a subconscious distrust of stillness.
When your nervous system has been wired for vigilance — for tracking others’ moods, anticipating needs, keeping the peace — slowing down can feel unfamiliar, and even threatening. You might find that rest leaves you feeling unproductive, guilty, or disconnected from your sense of value. You might associate stillness with loneliness or shutdown.
That said, it’s not always just about attachment — it can also be about what was modelled to you.
Maybe you grew up watching a parent who never sat still, who wore their busyness like a badge of honour. Maybe rest was something reserved for after everything was done — though, of course, everything was never done. Maybe pleasure was framed as indulgent or even sinful.
Over time, we can internalise these stories, and they become the blueprint for how we relate to ourselves. To time. To our bodies. To joy.
So much of the healing journey, for myself and so many others, eventually leads to this deeper question:
What would it look like to let life feel good?
Not because you’ve earned it. Not because everything is perfect.
But simply because you’re human, and it's okay to soften into the moment without it being so hard and serious and urgent all the time.
One practice that’s really supported me in softening into more presence and joy is keeping a joy list — a very scrappy running list on my phone where I jot down the small, specific things that make me feel good.
I try to be as vivid as possible. Not just “a good coffee,” but “the first sip of a really excellent coffee.” Not just “fresh flowers,” but “filling the house with the smell of fresh cut jonquils” or “the soft scent of jasmine in the air at the start of spring.”
It might sound simple, but it’s a surprisingly powerful way to reconnect with pleasure and aliveness. Even reading through it can serve as a nourishing resource for your nervous system — evoking the felt sense of those experiences through memory and emotion.
Because your body remembers.
Here’s a peek at my joy list by way of inspiration:
If it resonates, you might like to start your own list — no pressure for it to be poetic or polished. It's just for you.
Here are a few gentle prompts to explore alongside it:
- When was the last time I felt deeply at ease? What made that possible?
- What stories do I carry about rest, pleasure, and feeling good? Where did those come from?
- What would need to shift for me to experience more of that in my day-to-day life?
As always, I'd love to hear from you if this resonates. Feel free to hit reply and let me know. And if you want to hear me talk more on this topic, catch this week's episode of On Attachment here.
Wishing you pleasure, rest, and all the good feels — you deserve it.
Steph
PS. If you’re ready to deepen into this work of tending to yourself from a place of deep care and self-respect, my Secure Self Challenge is a beautiful place to begin.
It’s a 28-day journey into self-compassion, self-care, self-respect, and self-trust —designed to help you gently untangle from old patterns of over-functioning, self-abandonment, and striving, and come home to a steadier, more anchored version of yourself.
We've already got over 100 people in the group, and I'd love for you to join us. We kick off on 16 June. Sign up here to save $50.
