Hi Reader
There's a particular exhaustion that comes with feeling like you're always the one reaching out, always initiating, always trying harder. It's that powerless, anxiety-inducing feeling when you know you're doing most of the heavy lifting in your relationship.
Maybe you're the one texting first, making the plans, suggesting the date nights, or focusing on ways to improve the relationship. You drop everything to accommodate their preferences and schedule — and then feel that slow burn of resentment when the same flexibility isn't mirrored back.
And here's what's so heartbreaking about it: you start to tell yourself that if you were just better somehow, they'd show up the way you need them to.
For many of us with anxious attachment, this pattern has roots that go much deeper than our current relationship. We learnt early on that love comes with conditions — that we had to earn our place, compete for attention, or be "good enough" to warrant care and consideration. So we developed this incredible capacity to prioritise others, often to the exclusion of everything else in our lives.
The problem is, we often end up creating an invisible script for how relationships should work. We give endlessly, accommodate constantly, and then expect that this effort will be reciprocated. When it isn't, we feel betrayed, resentful, and confused.
But here's the thing we don't often recognise: sometimes we're asking others to match our extreme behaviour whilst blaming them for having boundaries that we've never learnt to set for ourselves.
If you tend towards anxious attachment, the relationship likely feels like your top priority — maybe your only priority. But if your partner leans more avoidant, this intensity might actually push them further away. It's a cruel irony: the more you try to secure your place by prioritising the relationship above all else, the more they might feel the need to protect their autonomy.
And round and round it goes.
What I see happening over and over again is that we point outward and say, "You're not prioritising me, you're not making me feel important" — but we're doing the exact same thing to ourselves. We're not validating our own needs, not taking care of our own wellbeing, not treating ourselves as worthy of consideration.
We abandon ourselves repeatedly and then feel hurt when others don't rescue us from that abandonment by choosing us.
The shift that needs to happen isn't just about having a conversation with your partner (though that will often be part of what's required). It's about learning to step back from over-functioning. To stop filling every gap, stop being endlessly available, stop abandoning your own needs to accommodate everyone else's.
It will feel uncomfortable at first — like you're being selfish or uncaring. You're not. You're creating space for a more balanced dynamic to emerge.
When you start treating yourself as a priority — making time for your own interests, honouring your own needs, speaking up when something doesn't work for you — something shifts. You stop being so dependent on others to fill every emotional need. You stop feeling so desperate for scraps of attention because you're already nourishing yourself.
And from that more grounded place, you can see your relationships more clearly. You can distinguish between partners who are genuinely unavailable or uninterested, and those who simply needed space to step up and meet you in a more balanced way.
If you're reading this and feeling seen, please be gentle with yourself. These patterns developed for good reasons — they helped you survive situations where love felt scarce, unreliable, or conditional. Healing doesn't happen overnight, and it's not about becoming someone different. It's about freeing yourself up to be who you really are.
You deserve to feel valued by the people in your life — not because you've performed your way into that position, but because they see the value inherent in you.
If this resonates, I dive deeper in this week's episode of On Attachment, which you can watch below.
As always, I'd love to hear from you if this resonates. Feel free to hit reply and let me know — I read every response.
Sending love,
Steph
P.S. A reminder that tickets are now available for my live event in London on 13 September! I’ll be sharing a powerful talk on how our attachment patterns shape our lives and how we can reclaim a deeper sense of self-worth and security — in love, and beyond. There’ll be space for connection, reflection, and Q&A in an intimate setting. If you’re based in the UK (or feel like a spontaneous September getaway), I’d love to see you there. Get your tickets here.
