Hi Reader

I hope your week is off to a great start!

In this week's newsletter, I wanted to share some thoughts on how self-worth impacts relationships.

You've probably heard people say that "You have to learn to love yourself first" (ie, before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with someone else). Others will argue that "We get hurt in relationships and so must heal in relationships" (ie, that it's through relationships that we learn self-love).

So what's the truth? Is it true that relational wounds can only be healed in relationships? Can you heal your insecure attachment style while single? Do you have to love yourself before you can truly love and be loved by another?

Personally, I think there's aspects of truth to both camps.

On the one hand, secure relationships undeniably serve as a powerful container for healing our attachment wounds. And there are certain corrective experiences that we can only have through being attuned to by someone we feel truly safe with.

But on the other hand, our ability to create the kind of relationships that would provide for this level of healing can be seriously constrained by our insecure attachment patterns — thereby perpetuating cycles of anxiety, hurt and fear.

When we lack self-worth, we will often:

• struggle with feeling disempowered, dependent and helpless
• try to control others' behaviour to make ourselves feel safe
• desperately seek validation and reassurance from others because we don't trust ourselves
• lack clear healthy boundaries and standards
• tolerate mistreatment and poor behaviour
• struggle with feelings of insecurity and comparison

...the list goes on.

Put simply, it's hard to build a strong connection when our connection to self is so fractured.

So where to begin in breaking the cycle?

Having helped thousands of people with anxious attachment patterns to move towards a more secure way of being, my observation is that the best starting point is the self.

When we focus on building self-worth, we can come to relationships on a firm footing of knowing who we are, what we value and deserve.

We start to trust in ourselves to navigate the ups and downs with grace and integrity, rather than feeling totally thrown off-centre by any & every bump in the road.

We can advocate for ourselves from a place of grounded self-confidence rather than desperation and fear.

We free up our capacity to actually be present and notice all the joy, love and peace that is available to us in each moment.

To be clear, building self-worth doesn't mean we love everything about ourselves all of the time – but it does mean that we are connected to a deep belief that we are worthy of healthy, reciprocal, loving relationships.

And the good news is, self-worth is 100% something we can consciously and actively cultivate. And what a beautiful gift to give yourself, if you're someone who has spent a lifetime struggling with self-worth, self-respect and self-compassion.

Sending you love and cheering you on!
Steph

PS. Final call for my upcoming 28-day Secure Self Challenge, which kicks off in 5 days! If what I've shared above resonates and you'd like to commit to 28 days of building self-worth in a supportive community setting, join the challenge here. Hope to see you there!

PPS. If you want to go even deeper on building self-worth and overcoming anxious attachment, my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment is for you. Join over 2300 past students in my tried-and-tested framework for cultivating secure attachment!