Hi Reader
If you’ve been feeling a bit lost in your relationship lately — like the connection is strained, the spark has faded, or every attempt to repair just falls flat — you’re not alone.
Most relationships go through seasons like this. Periods where the closeness you once felt feels harder to access. Where conversations lack depth, intimacy feels distant, and even your efforts to patch things up seem to create more tension than relief. These stretches can feel lonely and confusing, especially when you’re trying so hard and still coming up short.
Often, what we treat as a “relationship problem” is really a reflection of the conditions surrounding it — stress, overwhelm, exhaustion. The relationship becomes a container for all of it, absorbing pressure from other parts of life until it starts to strain under the weight. But because the symptoms show up between us, it’s easy to assume the relationship is the problem.
And if you’re in an anxious-avoidant dynamic, that misfire can become even more entrenched. The anxious partner tends to want to work on it — to address it head-on, talk about it, get clarity, fix it. But if this is your only tool, it can become relentless. And your avoidant partner may start to feel like the relationship is just a never-ending reminder of what's wrong, rather than a place of connection and comfort.
Both partners can end up feeling misunderstood, lonely, and powerless — and unsure how to bridge the gap.
So what can you do when you’re feeling stuck?
Here are three powerful shifts that can help breathe life back into a relationship that feels heavy or stagnant:
1. Focus on what’s working. When we’re hurting, our attention naturally gravitates to what feels wrong. But staying in that critical mindset can create an atmosphere of blame and defensiveness that makes it even harder to reconnect. Try, instead, to orient yourself toward what’s working — what you appreciate, what you’re grateful for, what feels good or easeful, even if only in small moments.
This isn’t about bypassing or pretending everything is fine. It’s about gently shifting the emotional tone of the relationship. And sometimes, our anxious parts resist this shift. They worry that focusing on the good means we’re giving up — that we’re letting our needs go unmet or saying that what hurts doesn’t matter. But in reality, relentlessly fixating on the problem often keeps us stuck. When we lead with warmth, recognition, and genuine appreciation, it becomes safer for our partner to meet us, and we create the conditions for change to occur.
2. Reconnect through lightness, not more heaviness. If heavy, serious conversations haven’t helped, try something different. Suggest an activity that feels fun, different, or nourishing for both of you. Sometimes what we need isn’t more analysis—it’s a bit of oxygen. Laughter, novelty, and play can reawaken warmth and soften tension in ways that talking can’t.
3. Reclaim your own wellbeing. When things are feeling hard, it’s easy to place all of our hopes for happiness on our partner changing. But outsourcing our wellbeing in this way only adds to the pressure and urgency, and will inevitably feed our anxiety. Instead, ask yourself: How can I best support myself right now? Tending to your own vitality and nourishment can help you feel less reactive and more empowered—even in a difficult season.
If you want to go deeper on this topic, be sure to check out this week’s episode of On Attachment, where I share some gentle perspective on how to ride out the hard patches without spiralling into self-doubt or fear.
As always, feel free to hit reply and let me know if this landed for you. I read every response, even if I can’t reply to everyone individually. And if you’re in the trenches at the moment, remember: even after the darkest of nights, the sun always rises once again 🤍
Sending lots of love,
Steph
PS. If you haven't already, I'd love you to check out my new free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love ✨ This 75-minute session is rich with insight and practical tools. I’ll walk you through:
- My 3-part framework for healing anxious attachment
- The real reasons you may still feel stuck (even if you’ve “done the work”)
- How to tell the difference between your anxious attachment and true relational misalignment
