Hi Reader
How are you? I hope all is well in your world.
Today I want to talk about jealousy.
Navigating jealousy can be such a loaded experience — so intense, so destabilising, and so hard to sit with — yet so difficult to talk about without shame or self-judgment.
And if you have anxious attachment patterns, chances are you’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that your feelings are “too much,” that you’re “overreacting,” or that you need to “just trust more" — all of which tends to intensify the very insecurities fuelling the jealous patterns in the first place.
I used to struggle hugely with jealousy. All the classic tropes — the obsessive social media stalking, the constant comparison to anyone I deemed a threat, the hypervigilant monitoring of every interaction for clues. These were my daily companions.
And in hindsight, what I see so clearly is that my jealousy had very little to do with the other person. It wasn’t about what they were doing or not doing. It was about me — or more specifically, the parts of me that didn’t feel good enough. The parts that believed I could be replaced at any moment. The parts that had learned to equate love with anxiety and uncertainty, with chasing and proving.
Jealousy is often layered like that. Sometimes it’s about wanting to protect and defend what's “ours” — a kind of gripping to prevent loss or rejection. Other times, it’s envy — a desperate longing for something we believe we lack, something someone else seems to have or embody more effortlessly. And often, both are happening at once.
It’s messy, vulnerable, and very, very human.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand — and what I now see in so many of the people I work with:
Most of the time, what presents as jealousy is actually a self-worth problem.
And when we focus on building our self-worth, jealousy often falls away.
These days, it honestly doesn’t even occur to me to feel threatened by people outside my relationship. And that has far more to do with me than anything external.
Because when you feel steady in yourself — when you deeply believe in your own value — you’re not constantly scanning for signs that you’re not enough. You’re not living in fear of being replaced. You’re not letting someone else become the arbiter of your worth.
And until we do the deeper work to untangle those stories, the pattern tends to repeat — no matter how safe or secure the relationship may seem on the surface.
That’s why the real work is about coming home to yourself.
Building something sturdier on the inside.
Learning how to self-regulate when the wobble comes, and how to anchor back into a deep knowing of your own worth.
If this is landing with you, I’m so excited to share that my 28-Day Secure Self Challenge is officially back!
Kicking off in just a couple of weeks, this 28-day guided challenge is a powerful way to hit the reset button.
Whether you’re in a relationship and feeling unsettled or unsure…
Going through a breakup and trying to find your footing again…
Or actively dating but feeling like your confidence has taken a hit —
The Secure Self Challenge will support you to come back to yourself.
To feel more grounded, more emotionally steady, and more confident from the inside out.
It’s short, it’s accessible, and it’s packed with tools and practices to help you start shifting the patterns that have been keeping you stuck — in ways that actually last.
You can join now for just US$97 (a 50% discount!) — but that early bird price ends Wednesday.
I’d love to have you join us!
Sending love
Steph
